[A couple friends wrote this about me when I graduated from high school in 1983. -- JT] INSTRUCTIONS FOR OPERATING A JOHN FORREST TOMLINSON PROPERLY WARNING: 1. Please read all instructions carefully! 2. Please save these instructions! 3. Please take care of your handy-dandy John Forrest Tomlinson. GENERAL INSTRUCTIONS 1. Al though our handy-dandy John Forrest Tomlinson is a pretty tough guy, he has the closet tendency to prey on the sympathies of just about anyone if he feels sick. Be warned. 2. If our handy-dandy John Forrest Tomlinson should want to get together with another person of the handy-dandy variety, please help him out in our absence. However, please make sure that this handy-dandy person is of a reasonable age. Above 14 should be sufficient. 3. Please remember that out handy-dandy John Forrest Tomlinson is of an in- credibly agreeable nature. His opinion is almost never objective so please do not question him on any topic. 4. Please take extra special care of our handy-dandy John Forrest Tomlinson; we don't want him to break. SPECIFICS Height: almost "tall" but not quite Weight: too thin, needs more fat(this would horrify him for sure) Disposition: humorous, with a touch of snideness/sarcasm; on the whole rather agreeable and complacent; oh- possesses a rather healthy amount of horniness for females. Operates on little sleep-rises rather early. HOW TO CLEAN 1. Please have him shaved once a day. Hair on his face would hide the baby-pathetic-please love me look he likes to convey. Hair on his legs slows him down so this step is quite essential. 2. Please have him shower regularly particularly after he has
gonereturned from his morning bicycle ride- of 30 or 40 miles. 3. Please have him brush his pearly whites regularly, they were his trademark during his amazing modeling career. HOW TO FEED 1. Our handy-dandy John Forrest Tomlinson will consume ANYTHING short of gasoline. Overloading is not ever a problem so please fee to your heart's content. On the other hand, if conserving food is more your style our handy-dandy John Forrest Tomlinson is not for you. 2. Special foods that are sure to please: (actually anything is sure to please but these are extra special) a. peanut butter with bananas on whole wheat bread b. peanut butter with honey on whole wheat bread c. peanut butter with bananas and honey on whole wheat bread d. peanut butter with anything on whole wheat bread e. CHOCOLATE in any form, shape or color f. Bread, except for soft chemical white g. Scooter pies h. Mississippi Mud Cake 3. A special note on drinking: Our handy-dandy John Forrest Tomlinson doesn't. Well, he doesn't consume alcohol and what other kind of drink is there? Although he admits a preference to tropical drinks, the manufacturers have never seen the handy-dandy Joh TomlinsJohn Forrest Tomlinson overloaded with good drink. IF this should ever happen in the presence of the new owners, please send us some notification and we will send you an appropriate award/prize. (It deserves some form of recognition). HOW TO CLOTHE 1. No socks! (Unless it's snowing, and then we insist on socks because otherwise, our handy-dandy John Forrest Tomlinson catches cold and becomes an intolerable baby who requires mothering. When mothering and coddling is needed please remember to contact the manufacturers. 2. Footwear must be thoroughly worn, ripped, and/or shredded. 3. Pants: Usually of the boring (Levis) variety with faded knees and a semi-worn tush. 4. Shirts: Also of the boring sort, polo shirts or oxford button-downs. (How many does he own anyway?/The supply seems endless) 5. Sweaters! NEVER! Those are for wimps. 6. Attire worn for biking is separate: then black, Lycra shorts are a must along with (oh no!) socks. WARRANTY If not completely satisfied, please return to Forrest and Olive.